The automated Dave Barry column generator

  - Bennett Haselton
Listed by the "Center for the Easily Amused"

Listed in Yahoo!'s Picks of the Week for September 20, 1999

Dave Barry's columns are published every Friday on his Web site at the Miami Herald. But if you can't wait that long, you can use this page to generate one instead. Read "About AutoDave" for more information about Dave and this site.

The full version of AutoDave requires you to fill in 20 blank spaces in order to generate a column. To try "AutoDave Lite", fill in the following five blank spaces, which will be enough to generate the first paragraph to give you an idea of how it works. Then you can scroll down to try the full version of AutoDave.
1. Enter the name of a town:
2. Enter something you'd say to someone that would make them want to leave:
3. Enter a plural noun:
4. Enter an insult:
5. Enter the name of one of your friends:

If you liked that, try the full version:

1. Enter the name of a town:
2. Enter a plural noun, the weirder the better:
3. What does your answer to (2) do that makes them so weird? They
4. Something you'd say to someone to make them want to leave ""
5. Give me an insult:
6. Enter one of your friend's names:
7. Enter a really stuffy, formal (male) name:
8. Enter a slang (male) nickname:
9. Enter four things that always go together:

10. What would you say to your boss if you won the lottery:
11. What do you say when someone cuts you off in traffic:
12. What do you say to someone when you recognize them as the person who cut you off:
13. You are female, your husband cheated on you, and the court rules that you can do only one thing to him, so: You his
14. Complete the sentence:
I would really enjoy

the bullies who used to beat me up in high school
15. How do you plan to spend your retirement: (Note: your answer must be a phrase containing at least one space)
16. What should we do to solve the garbage crisis?
17. What is your standard procedure for unclogging toilets?
18. Complete the sentence: Governments are supposed to
19. Complete the sentence: Desk-bound employees spend a great deal of time typing with one hand and holding a in the other...
20.What would be a good bumper sticker for someone that you hate?