Please let me know if you have any luck with any of these poems. Gratuitous detail is unnecessary.
Requires no customization except adding your name.
Ode to my Caramel Crumpet
by _____________[your name]
Dear Pumpkin Pancake,
When I think about you, my angelic love muffin,
My buttercream dumpling, my turkey with stuffin',
I think of the visions of you in my head,
Enjoying the pancakes I brought you in bed
With you dunking each bite in a syruppy puddle
And me begging you for an after-breakfast cuddle
For you are my swan and I am your duckling
You are the girl that keeps my world from sucking
If I had to be stuck to someone with superglue,
I would wish with all my heart that it would be YOU!
With fuzzy love and sloppy kisses and squishy hugs,
Your faithful slave, humble worshipper and devoted cupcake,
____________[insert your name]
|Dear goddess of ________ and ________ cutie,||[Insert two words that fit the rhythm of the line and refer to things normally associated with the girl you're giving the poem to -- e.g. "goddess of soccer and basketball cutie" for an athlete, "goddess of Java and C++ cutie" for a computer-oriented girl, etc. This especially makes it look like you wrote the poem for her.]|
|Who captured my heart with her ____________ beauty,||[Insert something unique to the poem's subject, e.g. "her brains and her beauty" for a girl who thinks she's smart (the "Java and C++ cutie" from the previous line), "her sweet Danish beauty" for a girl from Denmark, etc.]|
Will probably lead to either a date or a restraining order.
In my most blissful dreams, I'm your little slave-boy
Serving you on our tropical island of joy
Where you lie by the water, so gorgeous and dreamy
Sunbathing in your microscopic bikini
Your pleasure-slave hangs on each word that you say
As you give me an order for me to obey
And I kneel by you and feel my legs turn to jelly
As I'm rubbing sunblock on your gorgeous bare belly
And my heart fills with joy that my mind cannot measure
As I hear you sigh with contentment and pleasure.
Designed to evoke pity after being turned down for a date.
In the hallway I'm struck by your smile so pretty
As you wave and say Hi to me out of sheer pity
And then crush my frail ego under your heel
Like a baby bird under a crate full of steel
Thus begins my withdrawal back into my shell
To spend twenty more years in my personal hell
Where my crush on you crushes me under its load
And my bleeding heart beats out your name in Morse Code.
I see your eyes shining with beauty and virtue
As you say, "__________[your name], it gives me no pleasure to hurt you,
But in my own personal ranking of males,
You are lower than dirt under my fingernails."
Other stuff on my page:
AutoDave: the automated Dave Barry column generator
Re-usable love poems